It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
