he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
