I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
