my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
