part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
