I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
