I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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