My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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