he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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