she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't deserve a penis
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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