Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
