She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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