I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
