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alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
