a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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