My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
