This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize