I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Randomize
