For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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