If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
