I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
