How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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