Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
