you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
