Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
