He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
