I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Also, beer. Big fan.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
