Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
