i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
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He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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