his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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