I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
