I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
