If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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