New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
