I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
