i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
