I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
