if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
