you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
