Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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