her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
That's when you crack a 10am beer
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
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