He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
