I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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