i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
