my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
