After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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