I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
