Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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