Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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