my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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