well I can't set my house on fire every night
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
