So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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